My Voice (my personal musings from 2005 & 2006)
I love to see the pictures of us all together.
It reminds me that they were actually here
Andrew's 11th birthday - for some reason, I
used black and white film?
We put this in the
Elburn Herald for
birthday two years
Jarrett, Eric, Donna, Andrew and Bob
Mothers hold their children's hands for just a little while, but their hearts forever.
Happy Valentine's Day to my saintly boys in heaven.
February 9, 2006 - When I read about how I felt last year, it amazes me how far I've come down the Grief Road. Don't
get me wrong, I could go berserk any time, but something did seem to happen a few weeks ago that changed in my brain.
Maybe it occurred when it was a 1000 days since they died (that's supposed to be some sort of old time grief benchmark).
Maybe my brain did make a new connection.
I don't think you can cry every single day for three years. Your eyes would just look weird. - mine would definitely look very
weird and puffy - and scary! I've cried for days, that's for sure. Heart-wrenching sobbing that just didn't stop and I couldn't
catch my breath - yeah, like that.
In the newspaper this morning, I read that books about grief are starting to be on the best selling list because some female
author (I'm thinking Joan Didion) chronicled her grief journey after her husband died. It's so nice that someone famous can
make grief seem to be cool now. Gee whiz. Give me a break.
Human emotions are pretty much universal. My cousin, Don and his wife, Pat, sent me a book about parents who lost their
children in the United Kingdom - same emotions - same words.....all sad. People are people. Well, except for that guy that
allegedly killed his wife and baby that's been in the news the past few weeks. That is just weird and very creepy. Especially
to me. How could anyone possibly do that? Unimaginable. But it does happen, I guess. Sad, very sad.
I like this picture of me with the boys
that was taken at Christmas in 1989
because it isn't the perfect picture.
It's just how we were - less than
perfect but we had the time of our
lives!!!!!!!!! see ya, djb
Jarrett, Donna (eyes closed) and Andrew in 1989
I will not forget you...I have held
you in the palm of my hand.
I remember how much he loved his inline skates. He'd practice for hours and hours and
hours to perfect some sort of move that always had a very provocative name. And he'd
have scratches and scrapes and bruises all over the place but that didn't stop him for
very long. We had joy, we had fun.....and lots of brown salve and band-aids. -djb
Jarrett sliding on his rail in the driveway
Quote from Andrew: "When it snows, the ground
is dressed up like a ghost."
THE MYTH OF "GETTING OVER IT" -- The article (below) was in a Compassionate Friends' newsletter. I had this
notion before Andrew and Jarrett died. In fact, I believe I actually voiced this opinion several times --- "why isn't she over it?
It was a long time ago. You'd think she'd be over it!" duh.
Now, through my own personal experience, I know better. I'll never get over it. Maybe that's why some people steer clear
of me. Maybe that's why if you talk to me long enough, I'll talk about my boys. But a lot of people simply can't handle it -
they're uncomfortable and they avoid me like the plague.
I have some theories. I think it might be the association theory. If they associate with me, my bad luck cooties might get
on them and their kid might die . Or whenever see me, they DON'T see my children and they remember that they died
(like I would ever forget that!). It's just too sad. Too much to handle. Or they're uncomfortable talking about death.
But this article nails it. This is how I feel. I can't say everyone feels this way, but I can tell you this, when I read the article, it
resonated with me. I haven't had a day lately where I sob all day and feel like crying forever, but it could happen tomorrow.
I never know. If it happens, then I'll cry.
There's really nothing I can do to anticipate it or avoid it. As long as I have a breath in my body, I'll spend it remembering
Andrew and Jarrett. I'll honor their memories because that's what I want to do because they are my saintly boys. ~djb
* * *
from: The Compassionate Friends newsletter
* * *
Andrew and Jarrett when they were very young
* * *
Just a Thought: The death of someone we know always
reminds us that we are still alive - perhaps for some purpose
which we ought to re-examine. ~Mignon McLaughlin
Last picture of Andrew - he took it himself on March 1, 2003
Last picture of Jarrett - taken by Andrew on March 1, 2003
* * *
I know how she feels.
* * *
January 26th - this is what I saw when I went to their grave...
This is what I saw after I left my footprints in the snow...
* * *
Missing You Both always and I'll
love you forever and ever!!
* * *