I MISS MY BOYS - February 21, 2006
Jarrett, Me, Andrew on
February 15, 2003
Dear Jarrett and Andrew,
Today, I was going through some pictures of you guys. All of sudden, I had that overwhelming feeling where
I just missed you both so very much, I wanted to cry forever. People tell me that they can't imagine what I'm
going through. You know what, I don't want them to imagine what I'm going through because it's the worst
feeling ever. A feeling over which I have absolutely NO control. It's like a monster in the living room...
I look at these pictures and you guys were here - with me. Touching my shoulder, giving me a hug, telling
me you loved me. It's not an illusion. It really happened and yet you're both gone. Gone the same day.
Gone forever. We can use all these cute little phrases and pretend you're saintly boys, but you're gone.
You're not here. Where the hell are you? I don't know. I always knew WHERE you were - well, pretty much
most of the time.
Now, I don't know WHERE you are. Some people say you're in heaven. Some people say you're not.
Whatever. I really don't care what anyone says. If everyone is so damn sure where you are, then they can
give me the ZIP CODE. No one really knows. That's the sad truth. No one knows exactly where you are.
And the saddest part is, I don't know where you are...
The spirit, the soul lives on. The soul is part of God. Where is God? Where are you guys? I haven't lost my
faith, but I have lost everything else. I'm really just going through the motions. It's amazing to me sometimes
that I can keep pretending that it's okay but it isn't. It is freaking hell on earth. And I'm supposed to "get over
it." Yeah, right!
You guys were the two most important people in my life and now you're gone. You grew into little humans
inside my body. I felt your first movements. You gave me some extremely huge labor pains (thank you very
much). Then, when you were born I loved you more than I could love anyone or anything. You were my
complete and total life. I gave up everything for you. You didn't think I had a life before you. Maybe I didn't...
I'm not crying. I'm not sad. I'm not anything. I'm just here. And no one can do anything about it. People
can tell me that they feel my pain, and some people can. But what do you do when your two children are
dead - what the hell do you do? I don't know. Could you guys help me out here? Are you too damn busy
with your heavenly duties to look in on me? duh. I need help. It's too much most of the time. A person
can't cry 24 hours a day. But some days that's what I'd prefer to do - just simply cry.
We don't hear from your friends much any more - not like we used to. They're living their lives and getting
on with it. We knew that would happen, and we certainly don't fault anyone for that. Life goes on, kemo
sabe. Life goes on. Life is for the living, etc. Life, life, life. You never hear anyone say, "Life is for the
dead, do you?" No, I haven't either.
I just miss you guys so much. I miss everything about you. Everything. I miss your exuberance, your zest
for life. Your love of life. Your dirty footprints on the floor. Your ALIVENESS! I can't seem to get through to
people about the importance of cherishing their children because no one thinks it will happen to them.
I've tried and they all think I'm nuts. But sadly enough, anything can happen to anyone at any time. When I
tell people to always tell your kids you love them when they walk out the door, they're like, "yeah, right." But
what happened to me can happen to anyone. Remember, I'm the one everyone refers to when they say,
"I'm glad I'm not her."
God, I wish I had you guys here with me. I'd
give anything in the world to see you both
again. There are so many possible scenarios
for meeting up with you. I've stopped trying
to imagine them all.
They say that love never dies. I think that's
true. I've also heard, "don't live in the pain of
the past." Good luck with that one. My life
changed almost three years ago, and I didn't
even see it coming. It'll never be the same.
I'll love you forever, Jarrett and Andrew. I'll
miss you always until I see you again. With
all my love and there is sadness in my heart,
Love to you both, your Mom
til we meet again...