Daily Journal - April 28, 29 & 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006 - I had to start a new page this morning - it
takes FOREVER to set it all up!  I'm going to go outside and take
a picture or two.  Be back in a minute or two.....

Here's a picture of the bleeding heart flowers - this little plant lives
in the flower bed next to the driveway - near the Mammy hosta.  
When I went outside, I saw our neighbor, Ron, who was pushing
his grandson in the stroller and walking with his granddaughter.  
He's a riot.  Totally loves to watch the kids.  It's so sweet.

There are so many sad and pitiful things that I've heard about
recently, that it's comforting to see a Grandpa with his grandkids.  
AND, it's makes me happy to see the flowers come back year
after year.  Whenever I look at the old plants, I always say to
myself, "The boys were alive when I planted that."

Now they're not.  

bye for now, djb
Saturday, April 29, 2006 - We're supposed to be getting
some rain today and then thunderstorms and very strong
winds tomorrow.  That's nice - NOT!  Early this morning, I
went out and took some more pictures of the flowering trees
and everything else that might get whipped by the 40 mph
breezes.  By the time this system passes through, all of the
flowers will be blown off the trees.  Kind of sad...but I know
the flowers are ephemeral - that's why I plant too many so
that I'll always have a flower blooming somewhere!!!  

This morning, I did something that I NEVER do on purpose.  
I cut off some lilac flowers to bring in the house because
they smell
SO GOOD and I know that if this storm they're
predicting does what they say it's going to do, they'll all get
beaten to a purple pulp.

Tonight is
Kaneland's prom - I hope it doesn't rain on their
party.  If Jarrett were alive, I wonder if he would have gone.  
I'm guessing yes because knowing Jarrett, he would've
learned some sweet dance moves and what lady can resist
that!   bye for now, djb
Here's the view out my kitchen window that's above the sink.  On
the right side is the pink flowering crab tree and on the left is the
white and part of the pink.  They are so unbelievably gorgeous.
This is the new gate that Bob built, attached to the fence that
John built, attached to the house that Howard built.  
You probably think I'm a little wacky taking all of these pictures
of the trees, BUT last year they didn't bloom at all.  
Sunday, April 30, 2006 - It's interesting that none of Jarrett's friends came by on their way to prom.  The last three years,
someone always came by so we could see them dressed up in something besides jeans and a tee shirt - looking spiffy.  It's
the 3 year-wide-gap factor that's involved.  Andrew's friends were already grown up (seniors) when he died.  Jarrett's friends
haven't grown up with him.  He'll always be forever 15 - a freshman.  They can't imagine him their age.

I was supposed to go in and see Kevin and his lady and take some pictures at 5 o'clock, but I didn't.  Bob left around 10:30
yesterday morning to look for new golf clubs and check out buying a new car.  He didn't get back until 5:30.  He forgot to take
his cell phone with him.  This is the phone he bought so he could call me.   I didn't know exactly where he was for many long
hours.  I'm not blaming him but my reality is different than most people.

When he doesn't come home at the time I think he should, I always imagine that he's unconscious in an emergency room
somewhere or dead in a ditch.  I'm sorry.  That's what I think.  I guess I don't really have to apologize.  It's a flashback to
March 3, 2003, when Hobbes and I were waiting and waiting in vain, as it turned out, for Andrew and Jarrett to show up after
school - and they never did.  It's part of my pitiful life now.  I've become a tragic figure.  I'm trying really hard not to be pathetic
but I am defined by their deaths.  Creepy and pitiful - that's me.

Then, this morning, I read a story in the paper written by a mother whose children had gone back to high school and college,
and her house was empty and quiet -- she laments the fact that they're growing up and some day she'll miss all the chaos
and closeness she now has with her three boys.  Their stuff is laying around - basketballs in the grass by the driveway, etc.  
They always spilled something sticky on the counter and the floor.  It's just the mom and dog home alone.  It's used to be me
and cat home alone.  Now, he's dead, too.  Sad and pathetic - on and on...

Usually, I avoid talking about this because it's too freaking sad, and I keep trying to be happy and positive because that's
how I used to be.  I know that's true because I've seen videos of myself in the olden days, and I have been known to laugh
and crack jokes.   And I was so calm with Andrew & Jarrett.  In some of them, I actually have my real hair.

You don't have to write to me and cheer me up because there's really nothing anyone can say to me that will make me feel
better.  It's just the way it is sometimes....well, most of the time, truth be told.   I'll be glad when this school year is over.  Then,
I don't have to pretend that it doesn't bother me that Jarrett's dead, and he isn't graduating, going to prom, and all that other
jazz - because it does bother me right down to the depths of my heart and soul.  God bless me, djb  
The bleeding hearts all in a row...